Nothing
is wrong in Southern California that a rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure.
Never
accept a drink from a urologist.
Never
accept a peanut butter sandwich from a proctologist.
The
average person thinks he isn't.
I
don't make jokes. I just watch the government report the facts.
The
best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
An
atheist is a guy who watches a Notre-Dame vs SMU football
game and doesn't care who wins.
The
length of a film should be directly related to the endurance
of the human bladder.
Tell
a man that there are six billion stars in the sky and he will
believe you. Tell him that the paint on a park bench is wet
and he has to touch it to find out.
Never
go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The
surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.
When
I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should
use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said
the ATM machine.
Exercise
regularly, eat sensibly, die anyways.