FROM THE UNDERGROUND
the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges
is Professor Emeritus at Moravian College, Bethlehem, PA. He is
the author of How the World Works, U.S. Foreign Policy,Third
World Peasant and The Other Europe.
Exceptional High School Juniors
From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA.
Subj: The Fat Envelope Advantage
You are receiving this e-mail message because you've scored 1550
or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA.
still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart from
tens of thousands of other applicants to Stanford, Harvard and
Princeton? Your peers will be ladling soup at homeless shelters
and collecting used toys for the Ronald McDonald House, but how
many will have volunteered at a leper colony in India?
signed an exclusive agreement with the Agondi Leper Colony in
Goa, India. Located on the Arabian Sea coast, the area is known
for its white sand beaches, flora and fauna and kayaking. Your
deluxe suite at the Taj Exotica Hotel (5 stars) is only a short,
air-conditioned van ride from your one hour per day of service
at the colony.
we are staffed entirely by Ivy League graduates, we know that
admissions officers place a premium on essays that detail the
HOW and WHY of your international experience, not only a description.
We pride ourselves on writing college application essays that
are indistinguishable from your own voice, and this allows us
to convey your transparent commitment to caring about India's
essay includes a bibliography showing your immersion in the topic.
And, to avoid a verbal faux pas while at the colony, we include
a list of insensitive comments. Examples: “Lend me a hand,”
“gimme some skin,” and any "pull my finger"
correct and medical term for leprosy is Hansen's Disease. But
at ECA we still prefer ‘leper’ because this works
to your advantage. Agondi Colony patients are no longer infectious,
but the stigma and ignorance surrounding leprosy means that unenlightened
admissions officers will be bowled over by your intrepid courage
and boundless empathy.
will see an on-site video of you mingling with victims’
blindness, severed limbs, and hideous facial disfigurations. Squeamish
being around crippling deformities? We can photoshop you giving
Mother Teresa worthy embraces and shaking claw-like hands. In
short, your application will wrench tears from the most jaded
‘We've Seen It All’ officials.
This opportunity is strictly time limited because only sixteen
of the original 3,000 patients at Agondi are still alive, the
youngest at 81 and the oldest 95. Bit by bit, we anticipate a
precipitous drop-off to occur. Worse yet, the capacity now exists
to eradicate leprosy worldwide, so act quickly.
$25,000 for two weeks, plus airfare. For an additional fee, side
trips to Mumbai, New Delhi and Bangalore are available. Only twenty-five
students will be accepted for Summer 2017.
Knots from the Underground Satires:
Satire on Impermissible Satire
School for Psychopathic Predators
Seeks to Keep Fear Alive
Proposal: Franchising Beheadings
Zika Virus & Big Pharma
by Gary Olson:
the Birth of ISIS
Capitalism Save Itself
War, Remaking Man